In my life, I’ve loved and I’ve been loved. I’ve seen family members alive and well after a terrifying accident. I’ve won industry awards and writing competitions. I’ve met and worked with my heroes. I’ve traveled all over the world and sometimes got paid to do it. I was at Gam𒈔e 7 of the World Series when my hometeam, the Marlins, won. And none of it - not one of those boring, worthless moments - is nearly as good as going to completely alone. Even if I almost got my ass beat while waiting in line for .

The thꦏing is, I love theme parks. My family had one extreme streak of luck when I was a kid: We lived in Florida and my aunt worked at World. Despite the fact that we weren’t always doing too great, my parents were able to drive us up every couple months, use my aunt’s free paꦗsses, sleep on her couch, and then drive back home. It didn’t last forever; my aunt eventually got married and moved.

But as a kid, it allowed us to go to theme parks kind of a lot. Rather than theme parks being giant, stressful experiences that “you only get once so you better enjoy it!”, they were a place of imagination and relaxation. Well, imagination and relaxation and awful family photos in which my father threatened to give us something to cry about. But that’s neither her🗹e nor there.

On the flip side, I had not been to a real theme park since the pandemic. I just never had the time. I mean, I’d been to the Six Flags in Newꦚ Jersey since the pandemic, but… come on. Six Flags is only considered a theme park if the theme is ‘people in their 50s with fading Tweety Bird tattoos’. A good theme park is like a good game: it envelops you and surrounds you with a convincing experience that takes you away from reality, even if just for one second. Six Flags never lets you leave reality; there’s just too much vomit on the ground.

Anyway, while I was in Los Angeles for a comedy festival, I had a free day to myself. I could’ve gone to a restaurant or probably met up with some friends I don’t alw🐼ays get to see. But instead, I took an edible, called an Uber, and went to Universal Studios by myself. The moment I was past the security line, I bolted for Super Nintendo World.

Jumping Into The Mushroom Kingdom

I’d been to Universal Studios in Los Angeles and Orlando plenty of times, so I was already familiar with the always-crowded area and the never-busy Mummy ride. I know. I love it. But I need🔥ed Super Nintendo World. My life lacks any deeper meaning, so this wa💜s the place to go for me to have a profound experience.

The Super Nintendo World in Los Angeles isn’t big by any stretch of the imagination. It’s probably about the size of a city block or two. Universal Studios in Los Angeles is itself kinda small compared to the one in Orlando, so this makes sense. But unlike a lot of the rest of the park, Super Nintendo World makes an effort to be immersive. Once you’re in there, you’re basically surrounded by tall buildings with Super Mario iconography. It’s impressive. It’s so immersive that you can forget you&rsꦕquo;re a 40-year-old man who spent over $200 to see life-sized versions of toys you have on the shelf in your dark, one-bedroo✱m apartment.

But that’s what I was there for. It’s not like I accidentally showed up to the park by myself a little high. I love going to theme parks alone. One, it really cuts down on the wait time for rides. Two, I can run aroundও and do whatever the hell I want and then leave when I’m bored without ruining anyone’s day. Basically, my entire life philosophy surrounds not inconveniencing other people, which I’ve carefully perverted into meaning I should just do everythin🌄g alone. Still, single rider lines go so much faster and getting a reservation at the Toadstool Cafe was easy. Also, you have to make a reservation at the Toadstool Cafe, because of course you do.

How’s the park itself? Weird as Hell! I love it! First of all, you need to buy an extra wristband for, like, half of Super Nintendo World to actually work. That would infuriate me if I was a parent with a family. But alone? Screw it! Who cares! I’m gonna die sooner than later! I’ll drop an extra $60 on a Toad-themed w🌠rist band that lets me scan into what amounts to real-life versions of Mario Party mini games. There’s a whole series of little activities you can do to earn digital keys that 🌱eventually let you fight Bowser Jr. They will not let you fight Bowser Jr. unless you’ve earned three digital keys. They are very serious about this for some reason. I liked this for some reason.

Here’s the thing: A couple of those challenges are designed under the assumption that more than one person might be in your group. There’s one in particular where you have to run between ringing alarm clocks and slam them with your fist to shut them off. If you don’t complete the game in time, you do not get a key. I saw groups of three or four struggle with it. I had to do it alone. I almost asked a child and his mom if they wanted to join me, but even I’ve got limits to how pathetic I can be while enjoying myse🦹lf. It took me three tries of running at top speed before I earned that key. But dammit if I didn’t celebrate when I🐼 did. It really did feel like beating a hard level in Mario.

But the big star of the show is the Mario Kart ride. A friend who did some work on the park had told me to go in the longer line (rather than single riders) to see all the little Nintendo easter eggs and inside jokes, so that’s what I did. Which, I must say, are lovely. Also, the sign itself over the ride said it was a 60-minute wait. Suspecting Nintendo was going to be very Nintendo about the place, I set a timer on my phone for 60 minutes and got in line. This is where I almost got beat up by a d🔯ad, ꦬthe part of the story you were probably wondering about.

Making Enemies At The Mario Kart Ride

You see, the Mario Kart ride isn’t just a ride, it’s a Mario ꧅Kart game. You sit in a car with four other people and receive cues to shoot enemies and turn the wheel to earn coins. Notably, these visual cues come up on a plastic visor you have to wear. If this sounds complicated, it’s because it is for a theme park. And since Nintendo is dedicated, they explain how this works maybe four or five times. There’s a very long video you have to watch.

During this video, aღ dad said to his young son, “You better listen up.” And his son said - in the meanest spoiled child voice I’ve ever heard - “I know, dad. I’ve already been here, you idiot.” And folks, I laughed out loud so hard. I wasn’t expecting it. And the dad was definitely not expecting someone to laugh. The dude glared at me and asked if I had a problem, which I did not! I had a solution: laughter! I just thought his douche son was funny. The rest of the wait, the dude kept checking back at me as if deciding when he was going to kick my ass.

Eventually, we got to the ride itself. And despite the fact that the obtaining-visors part spreads out the line a bit, I was somehow locked in the same Mario Kart car as the man who hated me and his son who hated him. Then we were off. It’s hard to describe how good the Mario Kart ride is - but let me say it’s very good. It reminds me of going to EPCOT in the early ‘90s and having my head blown straight off by all the weird technology. It just feels cool to bꦏe in and play. You literally laugh in delight. The dad glanced back at me when I laughed in delight.

The good news is, I got the high score in my car. The bad news is, I got the high score in my car and the kid was whining about it. Which isn’t my fault! I’m, like, thirty years older than that kid. He should have better reflexes than me. He’s supposed to be the prime audience for gaming right now. The fact that he couldn’t hit a kart with a shell isn’t my fault, it’s poor parenting. Still, once I got off the ride, I speed walked out of the dad’s sight before he made any decisions. But when I say this guy hated me, I felt him hate me like it was the Force.

Also, when I got off the ride, my timer hadಌ one minute and thirteen seconds left. They were spot on. I tested it again when I rode the ride a second time and it was still spot on - and even better that time because there was no dad who was mad at me! If I can give you any advice on Super Nintendo World, it’s that it’s more fun when a stranger is not mad at you. The third time I went, the ride actually got stuck for half an hour and we finished it as the park was closing. Now the angry dads were busy yelling at park employees because they were mad about losing so much time. As for me? I didn’t care. I was on a Mario Kart ride. I just relaxed.

So really, I got about half of a day at Super Nintendo World. As with most of the park, the Toadstool Cafe was expensive, but delightful. Eating a Super Mario-themed burger feels good. It feels powerful. It feels right. I know I’ve literally worked at Nin🦋tendo before and 100 percent eaten at a company cafeteria called Cafe Mario, but that feels like a lifetime ago.

I think both the greatest thing about and problem with Super Nintendo World is that it’s a park made specifically for me. I’m somebody who loves Nintendo and who is easily manipulated into spending a lot of money. The fact that I was sweating in the California sun trying to crank a wheel to make a Goomba run is a positive for me. A𓂃s I saw tired kids upset about the wait and angry parents upset about the man laughing at them, I just kept on going, punching question blocks and squealing🍷 like the pig I am at every coin sound.

That all said, I’m curious what that dad thought of 🍷the experience.