As a fan of video games, I’ve been watching the hype train of Battle Journey: Journey Into Battle for months now. According to a lot of early reports, the gameplay in Battle Journey: Journey Into Battle is even better than💝 it was in Battle Journey: Fight Trip. The graphics look amazing and the full cast of experienced voice actors is sure to deliver a deep, compelling story.

While we all had our doubts about a new entry in the Battle Journey series after Battle Journey: Fut𝐆ure Past, early reports show a fun adventure that’s sure to please fans. And I’d be really excited about it i♕f I wasn’t someone online who’s weird about everything.

Before you question my credentials, I’m no tourist! I’ve been playing video games for decades. I’m a 40-year-old divorced man with no children, so I think I have my finger squarely on the pulse of the zeitgeist. I know what’s good and I know what’s bad. Which is useful becau𒁏se my tastes have not budged since 1998’s Metal Gear Solid, a game I assume I understand extremely well and one that I know didn’t need any politics to be good!

All it needed was a soldier having philosophical discussions about the nature of war with enemies financed by a corrupt military industrial complex that the game - and every subsequent entry in the series - really spends a lot of time teaching you about. But at least they didn’t shove it down your throat like Battle Journey: Journey Into Battle. One character in the game says, “I don’t like all this war” which isn’t how my mom’s new friend said men are supposed to talk. Although I hate my mom’s new friend! My mom should only 💞have me as a male friend!

All the politics in games these days are just too in your face. It’s all politics. I can’t even see a game without being blinded by politics. Battle Journey: Journey Into Batt𓃲le breaks with tradition in a way that only I can perceive and betrays real fans by becoming woke. For example, when you make a character, you’re allowed to choose if they’re called “her,” “him,” or “they.”

The character creator has 97 dropdown boxes with different sliders, allowing me to control everything from eye shape to ass size, but knowing that somebody who isn’t🐲 me might give a character a pronoun I don’t like? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I don’t even want to think about that. It just fills me with a rage that is totally commensurate with the amount of effort it would take to just ignore that singular choice🃏.

And speaking of characters. While I can make the main character look like a version of the father I wish I had, the romance options are frankly horrifying. Firstly, choosing a male character still allows me to date some of the other𝓀 male characters! Nobody in the game will force me to do this, and nobody in the game will even bring it up unless I intentionally pursue a particular set of conversation choices, but even knowing it’s there makes me upset for re𓆏asons I’ll never explore.

It’s being shoved down my throat, which is both very we🔴ird phrasing, yet something I will say fifteen or sixteen times an hour when anything I dislike appears in my peripheral vision. Still, none of these woke features make me more likely to open my wallet and become the absolute worst part of this game’s community. I will never realize that everyone else thinks it’s good that I don’t want to.

Also, not for nothing, women are also bad! I’ve tweeted at the game’s art team over two hundred times in the last three weeks, and they have yet to give every lady the same head shape as the mom in Dexter’s Laboratory. I mean🌠, I’m putting in some really weird hours here! I even took out my college calipers, held them to the screen, and measured the skull of the main female sidekick from the trailer.

Do you know what I found from my virtual skull measurements? She’s a used♔ up wh**e who nobody would ever want to have sex with! Yeah! And, and, and, I would never marry her! Not in a million years! Even if this fictional woman said she loved me and begged me and promised we could do a big sex, I wouldn’t even take her to Olive Garden and pretend it’s her birthday for the cake! Ever! And the fact that I don’t want to date her makes me really hate that she’s present in this game. I’ve somehow concluded that any character who’s not explicitly designed to pleasure me is actually designed to hurt my feelings.

And don’t act like your side - a term that I exclusively ꩲuse to describe anyone who’♎s not me - doesn’t do the same thing! We’re two sides of the same coin, except my side of the coin is completely scratched out like it’s being used by Two Face to decide if he’s going to kill Batman.

But get off your high horse: You folks love a boycott. Some of you even refused to buy a game because the creator of its setting actively fights against civil rights! Who does that? Listen to yourselves. “I’m not buying this because the creator has multiple, credible allegations of sexual abuse.” “I’m not buying this because the company mistreated its workers.✤” Call me when you care about real issues like whether or not plastic women should be allowed in plastic board game armies.

Have you ever considered boycotting a game for a good reason, like if they worꦑked with a consulting company and got non-mandatory feedback about a di𓂃sabled character? Normal people know that consulting companies have existed in similar roles for a long time, but I have the condition from Memento, so explaining how the world works will only stick for about 15-30 seconds.

I’m just saying, your side complaining about layoffs is no different from me spending almost every waking hour making videos about the jaws of characters in games I’ve already said I’m not buying. By the way, I want to go back to that for a second because it’s more important to me tha🐲n breathing fresh air or seeing a cloud in the shape of my late grandmother on a nice day. I’m really, really into being angry at jaws for some reason and my fury at digital women having imperfect bone structures is probably why I am asked the least amount of questions on a family Zoom.

Of course, I’m not a simpleton. That’s not the only reason I’m upset with the moral decay of Battle Journey: Journey Into Battle. You’re going to be horrified to hear this, but a person online that I don’t like - god, I’m almost crying and vomiting - said they were excited for the game. Right? I can’t like something that another person who disagrees with me also൩ likes! Why don’t I like this person♔? I don’t know! Who can remember?

I think I saw a video that told me she was responsible for games being bad. Well, technically she wasn’t responsible. She just exists and has more access to video game companies than me and nothing in my life has caused more psychic damage than knowing that. She’s also mentioned that she’s had sex before, and I find that outrageous! It’s down my throat again! I know I get furious if a woman in a game isn’t sexy enough, but this contradiction makes sense in my addled mind. Sex and women should always be two things: Fic꧟tional and in video games only.

So, no, I won’t be buying Battle Journey: Journey Into Battle. But I will be talking about it forever. I will use Google Translate to send death threats in French. I will pretend to be a professor from another country to create a false sense of authority on a topic I knew nothing about before it made me angry. And I will definitely spend more time yelling at strangers online about🧜 jaws than I will be playing games I actually like. Unfortunately, I only like games that make my perceived enemies upset, so I’ll ha꧂ve to wait a few news cycles before I find out what I’m supposed to play.